Anticipated Acceptance

Wow, what a mistake.

What a stupid thing to do. Sometimes, man, I can really put my foot in my mouth. And not just my foot, mind you, but my whole leg. I am SUCH a moron.

Movies made about time machines were written by people who do the things that I do. I feel so incredibly stupid.

Why did I say that? Why couldn’t I have just kept my mouth shut? Or better, why couldn’t I have thought of something more eloquent to say?

Because I’m dumb, that’s why.

No, I’m not dumb; I’m completely oblivious to the obvious. Life is just kind of moving past my face and I, apparently, have no idea how to conduct myself among people. I might as well have slapped her in the face. Idiot! Who the hell do you think you are!? You should have your mouth removed. Let me get out of here before I say something else…

Ok, now that you’re away from people, you’re safe. That’s good. You can hide out here, you coward. Yeah, give you some paper and ink and everything’s fine. But face to face, you can’t seem to keep yourself civil. You’re a hero, alright. Why did you even come out? No one is enjoying your company anyway. Okay, maybe a few people but not enough to warrant your oh-so-important presence.

Woah. I feel awful. And it’s not like people told me to leave. What the heck is going on? Okay, breathe… try to calm dow-

-No, no, I’m not going to calm down! I’m going to turn around and leave and never come out for a night again because, clearly, I haven’t developed the necessary skills to-

-STOP.

Yes, I get it, I’m very, very angry at myself right now. I can feel it in my face: my jaw is clenched, my cheeks are hot, and my breathing is heavy and thick. My hands are beginning to shake and I want to punch something, causing pain in my hand, furthering my misery.

Where is this coming from? What am I getting myself all worked up for?

BECAUSE YOU SAID THAT STUPID, STUPID THING-

Okay, yes, I know I said something that I’m not proud of out loud. And she’s also, probably, not impressed. And I feel angry about that… Something I’m not proud of.

“Idiot” and “stupid”? I know that I don’t use those words often and when I do, I usually feel like one of them. But I only feel like an idiot when I do something that I know I shouldn’t do, but do anyway, against my better judgment. Well, I guess it’s not better judgment because if it was, I would take it. So I believe that the voice telling me “don’t say that” is wrong. Huh. And I ignore it and feel like a fool. AH! I’m embarrassed. Okay, that’s one part.

I feel ashamed of myself. that’s a pretty big emotion to feel. I’m not a fan of feeling ashamed of myself and I don’t feel it too often. And I hate feeling it.

Oh… so that’s where my anger is coming from. I’m angry that I have to feel something I don’t like to feel. So I cover it up with anger so that I can feel something else. I’m familiar with that and there’s a term that I’m aware of – metafeelings (it sounds so cool…): Feelings about feelings. So it’s not enough that I feel shame but I need to feel angry to work myself into a frenzy of self-rejection and calumny? I don’t like feeling ashamed of myself but it’s going to happen from time to time. And it happens for a pretty good reason- to remind me not to repeat my actions.

Unfortunately, I’m kind of a slow learner and I take it out on myself because I’m the only one to blame. Shouldn’t I know better than to do that? I can be so stup- there I go again.

Okay, so how do I want to deal with this feeling in the future, because I know it’s going to happen again because, no matter how hard I may try, I’m not able to stop time and choose what I want to say… actually, that’s a nice first step: I can expect it to happen so that when it does, I can identify it and say “ah, it just happened again, just as I thought it would”. This way, I’m setting myself up to accept who I am and what I tend to do. Already that feels much better; I prefer allowing myself to make mistakes and being preparing for when I do as opposed to beating myself up because they ‘shouldn’t’ happen.

I think I can go back inside now. There are still some people that I’d like to talk with. And how else will I get to practice my newfound technique of expected blunder? Besides, I can’t be the only person who says things he regrets here 😉

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One thought on “Anticipated Acceptance

  1. Pingback: DON’T MAKE ME FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT « A SECOND CUP

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